Changes

"Once I heard that no experience was real unless you wrote it down on a piece of paper." My first post in this blog starts with this very sentence. I can't say I fully agree with this statement, but there is some truth in it and I'll explain in this post.

I believe in every experience lies a degree of reality, of how it felt and feels for you with every passing day. For example, when you share something with someone else it just feels more real then when you experience it all by yourself. You can share this something in two ways. The first and more common way is to have this someone there by your side, at the very moment of the experience. The other way is to tell someone what hapened to you, what you saw and felt, make them experience what you've been through using your own words.

So then I figured out that what's really important is not writing it down, what matters most is the sharing. If you want something to live on, you must put it out there for everyone to see and be touched by it.

For five years I've kept I blog where I shared some of my dreams. My thoughts then were different. Back then I fully agreed to the first sentence, but we learn and we change. For this reason I decided to rename the blog. New thoughts, new title.

Unwanted Goodbye

He had just left the house for the long awaited recording session with his band. I was half awake when I heard noises coming from the living room of our small apartment. As I have a sad disposition to always think about the worst first, the noises being from a robber came into my mind instantly. I was afraid that, if the robber knew I was aware of him, he would harm me, so I continued to pretend I was sleeping. I could feel the noise coming closer, by the door, near the bathroom, somewhere. Half opening my left eye, I saw him through the mirror, not the robber, but he who left me alone in bed for his recording session.

Maybe he forgot something, maybe he doesn't want to wake me up. Again, I pretended I was sleeping, otherwise I would disappoint him, by showing his efforts in keeping me asleep had failed.

The noise was now coming from the wardrobe right by my side, I couldn't fake anymore and opened my eye... There was no one there. I looked around the room... no one. Maybe I was dreaming, maybe was just my imagination. In any way, I closed my eyes again.

Then I felt him, sitting by my side and passing his arm around me, as if he would kiss me. In despair, I grabbed his arm so he would not escape me again, but when I opened my eyes, I could see nothing, I could feel him, but I could not see him. I asked: "Who is there?", and he said: "It's me". Only then I began to see him. "I love you" he said as he kissed me. I could feel a sense of mourning in his face, although for a moment I didn't understand why. Until the truth came to me: "Are you all right?" I asked, "There has been an accident" he said. The realization made it hard to breath, to think. My phone was right next to me so, with a rash motion, I grabbed it, as if I could prevent something by acting fast. He was on speed dial, which I was glad for. A flash of reason made me aware of his presence again and looking at him, sitting in our bed, I asked: "How could you? You are my life, we had plans, how am I supposed to make a meaning for all of it now?". He sadly looked at me with eyes that weren't there anymore. It was starting to become just a vessel, a vessel for the connection and affection we once felt, and that vessel would also disappear, shortly.

Someone answered the phone, a stranger. He asked if I was who I was and, after receiving my confirmation, the stranger cried and said "I'm sorry, he is not with us anymore". I felt like I was crumbling down, I wanted it all to be just a lie, to go back to sleep and wake up in a world where this was all just a bad dream. And so I did, and so I woke up.